The 3 tricks to living "SEXY"
First, let us talk about the word “sexy”…
As I explain in my Femme Forth Workshops, “sexy” is a term that has no intrinsic value to who you are as a sexual being. If someone told me I was sexy while shopping in my onsie PJ’s, it doesn’t mean that I am in my sexual goddess mode, or even that I believe that I am sexy in that moment (though, I do look good in my onesie). Instead, this is a word that is used to describe the energy that you expel into the outer world, not your sexuality itself. To be “sexy”, there is an external source looking in on your sexuality- the essence of your sexual self.
Typically we are inspired to describe something as “sexy” with cues from the 5 senses of sight, hearing, smell, touch, and taste. We remember these experiences for future reference of what is “sexy” to us.
Whether it be you checking yourself out in the mirror, partner(s) admiring your sweaty skin, or a stranger doing a double take as you walk the runway of a street, we all carry different connotations of the word “sexy”. For example, some might find you wearing sweatpants hot (“You look like one of those sexy hip hop dancers!”), while others may… well, just not.
The word “sexy” does not claim OWNERSHIP or EMPOWERMENT of your sexuality, it merely describes it.
So why do I have article titled “3 tricks to living sexy…” when I am currently describing it as a simple adjective without much contribution to who your intimate self is? Our language, unfortunately, doesn’t have much variety when we are describing ideals that are not limited within our 5 senses. Just think of masculine and feminine… we use these to describe different energies and personalities of a human, but even though they are categorized, these basic traits are gender blind- everyone can be strong and/or gentle.
So, I admit a very small defeat by continuing to use this word, as I feel like there is no true replacement for it. The thing I wanted to help you see in this article, is tools on how you can OWN and LIVE your sexiness, mentally, emotionally, and physically, without feeling the need to be assured that you are a “sexy” person from the outside world! You had it in you all along, who knew?!
1. Defining your own connotation of sexy
“Hot, inviting, mature, provocative, racy, seductive, sensual, sensuous, arousing, come-hither, cuddly, flirtatious, kissable, libidinous, provoking…” -Thesaurus
All these Thesaurus synonyms come as unspecific descriptions- how do we know what “kissable” looks like? We all have lips… Yet that is where the media comes in. As the one key place where these evasive words are specified, media bombards us with a particular image of what “sexy” looks like. This sets us up for failure in the end if we don’t meet these “requirements”. A psychologist named Roger Covin talked about how we like to compare ourselves to a higher standard and that we don’t seem to notice those on the other end of our personal spectrum of “hot”. That does not seem very hard to do nowadays with media filtering through the “pretties”. Main reason for filtration? For the sake of getting people to buy into a certain idea of how to be, or perhaps a product (I LOVE CAPITALISM). Because of these messages directed towards us, we sidestep our own creative and integral concoctions of what we define as “sexy”.
I suggest taking some time when you are out and do some people watching in different areas of social interactions (street, cafes, parties, etc.). Try and scope out people that fit what you think as “sexy”. This doesn’t necessarily mean people who you are sexually attracted to. For example, as a female-identified, femme bisexual who is more-so attracted to the male-identified , I personally would be more intrigued to observe other femme looking people* who I physically resonate with.
Using your senses, what is it about them, that motivates you to think that they are “sexy”?**
Generally, we have descriptions that do not correlate with the “sexy” synonyms listed above, simply because we use the non-evasive facts of what makes them “sexy” to you! Could be the fact that they run their hands through their hair in a certain manner, they hold themselves in a straight posture, they are making straight eye contact, and many more eccentric possibilities! The more you figure out what YOU uniquely consider sexy in those like you, the more likely you are able to see it in yourself!
*Just because you physically resonate with someone does NOT mean that you should assume they are the same gender! Gender identity is blind!
**OBVIOUSLY refrain from the intrusive senses (i.e. touch), unless consent is there!
2. Be your own Pavlov dog
How do you train yourself to get in the mindframe that you are a sexy deity?
One answer, is watching yourself engage in sex. Sexpert Lorrae Bradbury during an interview talked about the positive feedback you receive in your brain when watching yourself get dirty in front of a mirror (solo or no). This sounds familiar… do you remember Pavlov’s experiment with his dogs? With all the feel-good hormones being released with sexual pleasure, and you seeing your own face during this rush of neurochemicals, your brain can start to associate your own face/body with sex! This one is obviously sometimes tough to do, as many can complain about being scared of not liking what they see in the mirror (weird angles, your orgasm face, etc.). The trick to overcoming mirror shyness is to still stay engaged with the sensations that you feel in your body and ALL THAT PLEASURE- staying in your head during this physical act is an automatic loss.
Comparing it to Pavlov’s pooches, soon enough you could see yourself in the mirror and *DING*, “sexy” comes to mind.
3. Doing the non-fucking activities that make you want to say “Fuck Yes!”
What are some activities, which aren’t part of the sexual acts category, where they make you want to just say “FUCK YEAH, I FEEL LIKE A SEX MACHINE!”?
We always have our own experiences in which we associate ourselves either feeling empowered in our sexiness or sex itself. I have placed them in two subcategories to show the difference of these activities and explain possibly why we associate our sexiness with these acts (even when they are not orgasm inducing).
These are the acts that get your blood belligerently thumping. There was a study done with Female-Identified (F.I.) people, though this runs across the board of most genders; they had the F.I.’s watch an erotic film without running, and also watch one after running. The results found that there was more activity measured in the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) when the F.I.’s had their work out- the same system that is activated during sexual arousal! The key reason, as Jennifer R. Berman, M.D. explains, is that there is much more blood flowing through those sexy veins of yours. Especially through the pelvic region, where blood is sent to help engorge your penis and/or vagina upon arousal, it is stimulated almost in the same manner. This is unlike the above mirror trick, because instead of using an external cue, such as looking at your reflection, it is about how you feel in that moment!
My “motion” activity is dancing, but because I FEEL the sensuality inside me even though I am not having sex.
These are the activities where you feel that similar sense of intimacy that you experience in sex. I don’t care how rough you like to fuck- if you are touching skin with another, it is an act of trust and vulnerability to some extent. What are some intimate acts that you do for yourself that carries that energy of intimacy? Take for example the act of being naked; though it is not sexual, it is a vulnerable act. Soaking in a bath/hottub, massaging some lotion on yourself, or doing things in your skin that are nourishing can help stir those feelings of intimacy FOR YOUR OWN SELF (you don’t need no hunny, hunny)! Treating yourself to those moments, as “The Motions” above, you have the experience of sexiness through how you feel and the emotions involved (lust, happiness, love, etc.). I used some of my own personal examples in this, though I feel that everyone’s boundary of crossing non-intimate to intimate varies greatly. Don’t feel pressure to have to emerge from a bubble bath as a sexual deity if you mostly use that time to sing sad ballads and cry. No one is judging you.
I wanted to give a special shout-out to the Male-Identified with this particular subcategory! These actions that I have described as “The Intimate” can seem as more of a “soft” or “feminine” action, which I have witnessed in the M.I. community as something to be afraid of (silly patriarchy). We all have “soft” traits to ourselves along with the “hard” ones, because how could one exist without the other? These actions can be considered self care- letting yourself be and re-group back to a more well you, either in mind, body, emotions, or spirit. Nothing wrong with self care, especially when you feel sexy doing it.
Well, there you have it, the triple combo of establishing your “sexy” without ever actually needing to hear the actual word. Once you realize that it comes from within you, the easier you will be able to find it. The external world is ever-changing, the one place where you found your sexy solace may be gone the next day. It is better to look towards the one thing that will always be with you- yourself!
For the Female-Identified, my FEMME FORTH workshop dives more deep into the ownership over your own sexuality and activities that help you embody it! Tickets and details here.
Love and light,
Sex + Intimacy Coach
Creator of Femme Forth
Thumbnail image: Curvy Kate campaign model Joanne Larby