The Two Major S's
Can you guess what they are?
I made a post on my @femmeforth Instagram account today and I wanted to enlighten you all with going DEEPER (“Oh yes baby!”) on this subject of SEX AND SAFETY!
There can be many ways of not feeling safe. Emotions are vulnerable to show, your mentality can be challenged, your physical body might be in danger, and your spirituality can be compromised in many ways… But how does safety coincide with sex? Let me give you the breakdown from most obvious to least (from my own perspective of course).
When we think of safety in the sexual context, right away my mind goes to one word- sexual assault, rape, non-consent, whatever word you use for the action of one person stealing another’s body for sexual pleasure.
Please note: Rape is not about rapists losing control of their sexual urges, it is about the CONTROL OVER ANOTHER PERSON!
What are some ways that we can tell if our physical self is unsafe?
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!**
When we have certain feelings, such as a flip-flopping belly, it is a way that our body is trying to signal something. I suggest taking a deep breath in the moment to help you get in tune with how you feel RIGHT NOW. What emotion, off the top of your head (you know… the one above your waist), do you feel?
If you have any feeling of fear, probably a good time to leave the situation. Be assertive with this, for worrying about hurting that potential partner’s feelings is a lot less important than the temple you live in- your body.
As much as we want to think of a “no strings attached” as being literally that, but the power of our emotions is a strong beast, even bigger than the sexy beast you are in the bedroom!
Just think of undressing in front of your partner(s) in the bedroom, potentially standing near a bed (maybe it’s your bed where you sleep), about to come together with both/all of your naked bodies to share an experience that involves touching skin… As much as I love running around naked, there is definitely a certain level of vulnerability being played when you are with your partner(s) in this context.
What does this have to do with safety?
For that time together, you are going into a (general) agreement that you two are entering a relationship- One night stand, fuck buddy, FWB, love, name it however you want. With ANY of those relationships, comes the emotion of attachment on a certain scale.**
Just as you are being physically vulnerable, do you have any fear that showing any emotional vulnerability will “ruin” the sexual relationship between you and your partner(s)? If you do, it might be a good sign that this vulnerable act that you are trying to share with another really isn’t nurturing you, rather, it might potentially be causing you harm from withdrawing from your own feelings.
We all carry a core sexual self**, which is defined by what helps nourish you or drains you in the realm of sexuality and sex. Have you ever had a [consensual] sexual experience where you felt more depleted than “full”?
I would ask you to go back to that experience. What motivated you to have that sexual encounter? Generally, when we have sex, it is in celebration of bodies, either with yourself, or you and your partner(s), emotions, and/or pleasure (plus maybe some pain, for you kinky folks out there)!
Assess your motivation for sex before “ass”essing your partner(s). If you feel like the safety of your core sexual self** is at risk, maybe wait to find your own answers to “What are my reasons to have sex that nurtures my core sexual self?”
“What is sex for you?”
I find that question quite loaded, especially for being so small of one. Because sex is a natural instinct for us (besides perhaps those that carry no sexual attraction towards other- asexuals), most of us humans like to place a more significant meaning towards this primal act. We all define it differently, which comes through our own experiences of life and how we were raised to view sexuality.
I suggest even sharing how you view sex with your potential partner(s): Do you think of it as simply a sport, like playing hockey? Is it an act of losing yourself in the moment? Is it an expression of love? A precedent to a night of cuddling each other?
If you have some fear that your mentality of what sex is for YOU will be judged or shamed by your potential partner(s), it’s probably a good time to really ask yourself if you are okay with sharing this personal expression of yourself with this person(s).
So there you have it. The four aspects of SEX and SAFETY!
Which order do you feel like you prioritize these aspects? What is your reasoning?
Comment or send a confidential e-mail to me at firstname.lastname@example.org!
**We dive deeper into all these topics and tools in my Femme Forth Workshop, a sexuality empowerment workshop for the female-identified! Tickets available here!